Cara Delevingne has opened up about the emotional and personal turmoil she experienced during her time walking for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, revealing that what looked like a glamorous career moment coincided with one of the most confusing and difficult periods of her life.
Speaking candidly on Alex Cooper's Call Her Daddy podcast, the 33-year-old model and actress reflected on her 2012 and 2013 runway appearances, describing a disconnect between the fantasy of the show and her private reality at the time. While the Victoria's Secret runway was marketed as the pinnacle of high-fashion glamour, Delevingne said her experience behind the scenes told a very different story.
'Something Darker Was Going On'
Revisiting photos from her first Victoria's Secret show in 2012, Delevingne admitted the moment initially felt light-hearted.
'That was fun, it felt like dress-up', she said. 'But then there was something darker about it because at that show I was closeted, I was gay.'
At the time, she said she was still coming to terms with her sexuality while working in an environment that emphasised hyper-feminine beauty standards and confidence. That internal conflict created what she described as constant emotional tension.
'I was having a great time but also very confused. I felt like I was an undercover lesbian', she said. 'Has a lesbian ever done f***ing Victoria's Secret? This is a big deal.'
Delevingne, who has since publicly identified as a lesbian, said the experience left her questioning where she fit within the fashion world, particularly in a space that celebrated a very specific image of femininity.
Life Backstage: Pressure, Identity, and 'Gay Panic'
Beyond the runway itself, Delevingne recalled moments backstage that intensified her sense of disorientation. One memory involving fellow model Candice Swanepoel stood out, though she was careful to clarify there was nothing inappropriate about the situation.
She described how everyday modelling routines — such as changing clothes in shared spaces — sometimes overwhelmed her at the time.
'I remember seeing Candice Swanepoel... she came into the bathroom and took off her clothes', she said. 'Not in a sexual way, but that was what models do, and I passed out. It was a lot. The gay panic. I was constantly panicking.'
The actor said the combination of secrecy around her sexuality and the high-pressure environment created a sense of emotional instability she struggled to manage while still performing professionally.
Coping Behind the Glamour
Delevingne also spoke about the darker coping mechanisms she relied on during that period, linking her runway appearances to broader struggles with mental health and substance use.
'I woke up, probably had a couple shots of whiskey and a Xanax', she said, explaining that she used alcohol and prescription medication to manage nerves before walking the runway.
While she described moments of enjoyment, she also acknowledged that her behaviour at the time reflected deeper issues she was not yet ready to confront.
Looking back, she said the contrast between the glamorous exterior and internal turmoil was stark.
'I was having the time of my life after that, horrible', she added, reflecting on how substance use masked anxiety and emotional distress rather than resolving it.
Feeling Like She Didn't Belong
Despite walking for Victoria's Secret twice, Delevingne said she never felt like she truly fit the brand's idealised image of an 'Angel'.
'Everyone else [had] very womanly bodies... I have no arse', she said candidly. 'At that point, I was like, "I'm not a Victoria's Secret Angel. I'm a devil"'.
She added that when she was first asked to become an official Angel, she instinctively felt out of place.
'I don't think I belong here', she recalled thinking.
Her comments highlight the tension between individuality and conformity in the modelling industry, particularly in an era when Victoria's Secret was heavily criticised for promoting narrow beauty standards.
Identity, Recovery and a New Chapter
Since those early runway years, Delevingne's life has changed significantly. She has spoken openly about achieving sobriety after a period of intense personal struggle and has become more vocal about mental health and identity.
She later came out as pansexual before publicly identifying as a lesbian, recently confirming her sexuality more openly during a live appearance at a concert event.
'I'm a lesbian', she told the crowd, marking a more confident and public affirmation of her identity.
Now, she is in a relationship with British musician Leah Mason, known professionally as Minke, and the pair have been together since 2022.
Alongside her personal journey, Delevingne has also begun expanding into music, releasing new tracks including 'I Forgot' and 'Out of My Head', signalling a new creative direction.
A Legacy of Glamour — and Contradiction
Delevingne's reflections add a more complex layer to the legacy of the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show itself, an event once defined by fantasy, spectacle and unattainable beauty standards.
For her, however, the experience represented something more complicated: a moment of visibility on the world stage that coincided with internal conflict, identity exploration, and eventual self-realisation.
Looking back, she now frames those years not as purely glamorous, but as formative, shaped as much by confusion and pressure as by success.
And while Victoria's Secret once marketed its runway models as 'Angels', Delevingne's own recollection offers a more human contradiction.
'I'm not an Angel', she said. 'I'm a devil.'
